I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
