I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
