Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I cut my penus on the lid.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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