Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
