You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
