I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
