I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I can't put those talents on a resume
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
