You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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