Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
