just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
