I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
