Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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