I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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