He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My ATM looks so different sober.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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