Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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