I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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