I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
