Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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