He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
