Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
