that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
