and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
