Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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