Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
