dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
