nut hugger
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
