I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
