I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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