Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
