Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
