$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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