3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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