I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I have fence marks all over my body
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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