It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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