You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
