I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
this is an emotional support booty call
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
