my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
