Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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