Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
