nut hugger
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
