I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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