Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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