I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
