I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
