I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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