Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
