so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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