Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
