you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
