Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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