Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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